Sunday, May 3, 2020

COVID-19, ANXIETY AND ME

As those of you who have been following my blog know, I started this space to discuss my progress with beating my anxiety and panic attacks. In light of the Covid-19 outbreak, I’ve noticed a decline in my mental health, as the global pandemic has changed the lives of everyone in the world. So, I’ve decided to share something new on my blog; a diary. In an attempt to connect with my readers more, I feel as though this personal account of what I am going through will be relatable for so many of us!   




Before I continue, I would like to identify a trigger warning for this post. We are all bombarded with information and very depressing statistics about the virus every day, so if you feel more comfortable with the travel related part of my blog, click on the link here to take a scroll through my European and Asian adventures! 

I’ve come up with the idea to run this little diary alongside my normal posts (or as and when I can) on how my mental health is being impacted during the Covid-19 outbreak. The idea is I write how I am feeling every few days, but only if I notice big changes in my mental state or the stage of the pandemic in the U.K. to avoid being too repetitive, and then I upload the collective “diary entries” in a post with the recorded dates. I do really want my blog to be a space where people can come to (hopefully) escape from the unsettling and unpredictable times the human race is facing right now. But I do feel it is important to address what is going on and be transparent and honest with how I am feeling, especially as first and foremost, this is a mental health blog and the global health crisis is weighing in on everyone’s mental health and deeply impacting our mental and physical wellbeing. If this post does not interest you, or is in any way triggering, please feel free to exit the page. If not, I hope the words below can comfort you to know that we are all in this together and it’s okay not to be okay. 


Sunday 5th April 2020: (previously shared on my Facebook page, thought I would share it on here too)
21 days into my quarantine, I thought I’d share the feelings I’ve been having while being in self isolation. Hope I’m not the only one feeling like this and maybe it will put other people at ease to know they aren’t the only ones with these emotions right now. 
I start every day relatively happy. The sun is normally out and shining when I wake, and I know I only need to go downstairs to be greeted by my whole family. It’s not often we are all at home for such a long time! It’s nice to know I don’t have anything pressing to do and can even have a lie in. Life seems to be “normal” and quite pleasant. 
By about midday, what hits me is the surreal-ness of it all. These are unprecedented times we are living in and no one knows when things will be back to normal. It’s not a sad or happy feeling, it’s just a bit of a limbo I get stuck in. It’s also a bit of shock, “how is this our life now?” is a question I mutter to myself every day. 
At the end of the day, I get all the anxiety hit me all at once. There’s the daily rundown of new cases and deaths on the 6 o’clock news, it’s all anyone talks about on any social media platform and that’s enough to get my anxiety sky high. I end the day feeling helpless and in despair. What news will tomorrow bring? I’m always unsure but I know now, it won’t be good news. 
I’m trying my best to keep positive. I’m doing things to distract myself. I’ve thrown myself into editing my blog, I’m baking again, I’m even playing Monopoly! It’s a roller coaster of emotions every day. I know this pandemic is affecting the mental health of many people. My advice to you is keep as distracted from it as you can. It’s really hard to stay happy and positive right now, but one day this will be a distant memory. Stay strong and keep safe. 

Thursday 9th April 2020: 
Today was the third Thursday in a row, that the U.K. as a nation has clapped for key workers across the country fighting on the front line against the coronavirus. Every time I stand outside my house to clap for the heroes in this country, I get quite teary. It’s emotional and very moving to hear the community come together, I think it’s beautiful. I clapped for a couple of my friends who, in recent days, have signed up to help the fight against the virus in the NHS. What them, and others like them (as well as all the key workers) are doing is selfless and nothing short of amazing! 

Sunday 12th April 2020 (Easter Sunday):
Today was lovely! Filled with excellent food and wonderful weather. It just felt so relaxed. I spent the whole day blissfully unaware of what is going on all around us. It was a much-needed day! It’s got me missing normal life a lot though. At the end of each day when I’m in bed, I get very deflated when I think about how much everything has changed, where the sound of a plane taking off is rare and the sound of an ambulance siren is all too common.

Tuesday 14th April 2020:
I got quite angry today. On my walk, I saw a big group of people in the park, so I called the police on them! I hate how irresponsible some people are still being, especially as we are one of the worst countries hit by this virus right now! Ended the day on a high though. My sisters and I looked through some old photos and videos of us, I haven’t laughed like that in a long time!

Sunday 19th April 2020:
My hands feel raw because of how many times I have washed them over the last 5 weeks! It’s 9:30pm and my anxiety has been quite high this evening. I felt a bit hot at dinner and my anxious mind automatically assumed that I might have the virus, even though dinner was hot, I was wearing a jumper and the weather has been quite warm today! Hoping I will just fall asleep and feel more relaxed in the morning. (Morning of Monday 20th April 2020: I feel fine today, was just my paranoia haha)! 

Saturday 25th April 2020: 
I am realllyyyyyyy missing Peter (my boyfriend)! It’s been 7 weeks since I last saw him, and I am getting a bit fed up with not knowing when we can be together again. I counted that since the 10th of February last year (the date I moved to China to teach for a year), I have seen Peter for a total of 27 DAYS! And that’s just made me sadder. A speck of hope though; the government are thinking of lifting lockdown measures for couples who are separated right now. Don’t know when this will happen or if it will even be possible, but it’s nice to know that people in my position are being thought about right now. Today ended well; I made a strawberry cheesecake and it tasted AMAZING! 

Wednesday 29th April 2020: 
Fed up. I’m just feeling fed up of not being able to look forward to anything. Getting really sick and tired of knowing that today will be the same as yesterday and the same as tomorrow. It’s been a very emotional day, crying on and off for a lot of it, really trying to keep positive but it’s not working! Still, having a look at old travel pics perked me up a bit, can’t wait to go somewhere far away, although a trip to a Nando’s sounds like bliss right now! 


Behind the faรงade of my weekly blog posts and my carefree updates on Instagram, I really am feeling the effects of lockdown and our new way of living. What I haven’t mentioned in these diary entries is how uplifted I have felt because of messages from loved ones and friends. The only way we will get through this is together. I hope my diary entries of April have shown you that it is totally acceptable to have off days, empty days and not-so-happy days, we are all human. 

Love, 

B x 
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16 comments

  1. Such an amazing and brave post, we’re all in this together my love! Sending a big virtual hug ๐Ÿค— ❤️Xx

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    1. Thank you Tamsin! Missing you a lot, and I love keeping up with your blog hun! ๐Ÿฅฐxx

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  2. This is such a raw and brave post! I agree that this is such a weird time and a roller coaster of emotions! Just remember it'll be okay and things will get better <3

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    1. Thank you Emily! I'm glad we are all in this together, would be harder getting through this alone! Thanks for commenting babe! x

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  3. It's so important that we all share our up's and down's as well. That way we are reminded that we're all in this together and everybody is all over the place emotionally at the moment.
    Although I actually like this quarantine lifestyle, I do get very anxious about more vulnerable family members and friends, especially if I hear that they've been exposed to reckless behaviour. I'm glad you called the police on those people. If we all do our part, we'll be able to enjoy each other's company again much sooner.

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    1. Yes exactly! I really want to be open and honest with my readers about my anxiety being effected by the lockdown.
      I completely understand what you mean; I live with my father who is in the high risk group, so I worry about him all the time, trying to keep him as safe as possible!
      Reckless behaviour and people ignoring the rules really irritates me, so I encourage others to call the police on large groups of people!
      Thank you for stopping by, reading and commenting on my post! Stay safe and keep positive x

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  4. so so so proud of you- you're such a trooper and always so brave <3 you're definitely not alone in feeling like this, and sending you a million and one hugs and kisses <3 every day we get through is one day closer to normality resuming! keep going angel cake xxxxxx

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    1. Thank you so so so much hun!!! I am glad we are all in this together and not alone. Sending you lots and lots of hugs and kisses back xxxxxxx

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  5. *Hugs* I know how you feel, my anxiety has been heightened since this all started. These are crazy tough times we are living in. I can typically keep my anxiety in check but it has been challenging and I'm having all sorts of uncomfortable symptoms. What helps me is getting outside, walking, being in nature. Yoga, meditation, and long hot baths with soothing music help lessen the stress. You are so strong, just keep moving forward one step at a time. Hang in there, and Be Well ❤️

    Tiffany
    https://etherealempathy.com/

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    1. So sweet of you to leave this message on my post Tiffany! I find that my daily walk does wonders to my mental health, it's just a shame we aren't really supposed to be outside for longer than an hour! I have also been getting into running and home workouts which act as a distraction from my anxiety and ultimately make me feel happier and healthier!
      I hope you are also doing well and keeping safe ๐Ÿ’ž(and thank you for reading this post, means a lot) x

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  6. You are not alone. Some days I feel great and others it is really getting to me too. I can't even imagine being separated from your boyfriend that long. I hope you are able to talk a lot and share your feelings.

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    1. Thank you for reading this post, I'm so happy it's reaching a wide audience! Yes, being away from my other half is really testing me, going a bit insane not knowing when I will see him again! But yes, I know exactly what you mean, the last few days have been really rough and hard, I'm hoping happier days are just around the corner ๐Ÿ’–x

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  7. I like to think my anxiety isn't getting to me in all this, but I have noticed I lose patience with my kids a lot faster. It comes out somehow...

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    1. Stay strong, we will all get through this together. Time are hard and can be quite testing too, but this won't last forever ๐Ÿ’–x

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  8. This is a very transparent post. I have personally been diagnosed with manic and bi-polar disorder and spent time in a mental health acute facility where I roomed next to a friend of mine of eventually decided to take his own life. Finally after weeks of intervention and months of meditation (after getting off of the medication) I am now relaunching my business called I Am Awear. I hope we can connect more on mental health. http://www.iam-awear.com will be the site if you have a chance get yourself a Thinkin’ Cap. I’ll personally send you one for free! Good work Bobbi!

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    1. Thank you for commenting something so open and personal on my post. I hope you are doing well and keeping strong given the current circumstances, please feel free to drop me a message if you want to talk to someone! And I will check out your website now! Very kind of you ๐Ÿ’ž

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